Why?
by BiteTheNextLeft
Summary: Joel finds himself in a state of complete discomfort when Ellie asks him about kissing. How does he handle the situation? Ellie/Joel. If you hate the pairing, don't read it. Simple. Language involved.


**A/N: Well, this is my first time writing a fic for The Last of Us. I was intrigued by Ellie and Joel's relationship, and I thought I'd try my hand in a different aspect of it. If you hate the pairing, seriously, no one's forcing you to read it. There is language, because Joel and Ellie have dirty mouths. Enjoy.**

"Ellie- no."

"But Joel-"

"Ellie, I said no! We're not talking about this." Joel turned away, readjusting his pack before starting forward.

"You are such a pain in the ass! Where are you going!"

"Right back atcha, kiddo," he grunted with his back still to her, giving her no answer. She skipped up next to him, looking directly into his face- but he ignored her. His mouth was set in a firm line, his eyes focusing on something distant.

"I don't see why it's such a big deal! It's not like I asked you to sell your fucking soul or something!"

"There's a lot of things I'd be willing to do for you, but that's just not one of them," he growled.

"You're acting crazy! Nothing's wrong with just-"

"Yes, there is, damn it! There is definitely something wrong with it, and I'm not going there!"

"Tell me what's so wrong about it! I don't understand!" She stopped following him, but still called from behind him.

"Of course you don't understand, Ellie, how could you ever understand?" He stopped as well, some yards in front of her.

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Joel just shook his head, angry heat rising up to color his cheeks.

"You know what, fuck this!" Ellie started forward and seized Joel's arm, whipping him around with a force that surprised him. "I fucking _hate_ it when you treat me like this! Just because I'm not as old as you are means that I can't understand a single fucking thing! Well, heads up, Joel, I had to grow up pretty fast if you didn't notice, and I would appreciate it if you would just treat me like I actually have the smarts to understand some shit! I'm _always_ straight up with you, and its about time you returned the favor."

SEVERAL HOURS EARLIER

"Never have I ever… been good at drawing."

"Aw, c'mon Joel, that's another lame one!"

"Sorry, sorry, I guess I'm no good at this game. You go." The dry road cracked beneath their feet as they made their way out of another abandoned city. The sun was relatively high, leaving the time most likely somewhere in the mid afternoon. A sense of ease and comfort buzzed in the air as the two comfortably drifted close together. When Ellie was near, it made Joel's job of protecting her and fulfilling his responsibility of delivering her safely less challenging. With the chaos that indefinitely threatened to crush the both of them, they both seemed to silently recognize the rare comfort in seeking out the nearness of the other. It seemed to be the only tangible shard of peace and stability left in the world. Their companionship was obviously not without conversation, however; Ellie had requested the game "Never Have I Ever" perhaps a half hour ago to fight the boredom, and so far, she wasn't pleased with any of Joel's assessments.

"Nah, you have to give me a better one."

"Ellie-"

"Seriously, Joel! There has to be _something_ you've never done." Joel sighed aloud before rubbing his head in thought.

"Never… have I… ever... escorted a girl immune to the infected… across the country to give to the Fireflies, so they can find a cure for humanity." Ellie laughed out loud and shoved lightly against Joel. He just smiled before bumping her back.

"Fine, I guess that'll have to do," she chuckled, a pink color staining her cheeks from laughing.

"Okay then, you're tur-"

"Never have I ever kissed a boy." The words spilled out of Ellie's mouth like water suddenly released from a dam, causing Joel to almost trip over his own feet. She seemed relatively unaffected by her statement despite Joel's obvious and abrupt discomfort. He could feel his face heating up, and he cleared his throat shortly.

"Oh. Umm, okay. Well, that's… good."

"What do you mean?" Warmth flushed through Joel and he regrets that he put in any personal input.

"Well, you know…" His hand nervously found the back of his neck. "Most guys are pigs anyway… so… yeah. Good for you." Joel finished his statement quickly and half heartedly, ready to move on from the discussion.

"Well, _you're_ not a pig." His shirt felt too tight.

"Umm, thanks. I, ah… appreciate that."

"You're welcome."

They continued on together in silence, Joel slowly coming down from his frightened and uncomfortable state as time dwindled on throughout the afternoon.

OOOoOOO

Joel and Ellie reached a potential looking campsite next to a nearby stream with a few trees spread out across the area. A fallen log looked like it might serve as a nice place to sit and eat some of the food they acquired from supply hunting earlier that day. After they ate, Ellie and Joel sat in silence together, staring at the setting sun as it glinted off of the running water and illuminated the tops of the trees.

"So what's it like?" Ellie broke the silence softly, still staring at the sleepy scenery around her.

"What's what like?"

"Kissing," she clarified without missing a beat. Joel's stomach twitched and left him with a slightly unsettled feeling.

"Ah, listen Ellie… I don't think that… I'm not really…" He cleared his throat, unfortunately realizing that that won't help him speak with any more confidence. His feet toed in the dirt and his eyes counted the little pieces of bark that had chipped off of the log they sat on.

"Oh, c'mon!" Ellie sidled up next to him, their bodies close to touching. He felt her eyes burning into the side of his head, but his stare remained dedicated to the ground. "You've lived longer than I have, _surely_ you have more… experience." Joel's head snapped up to look at her, incredulous at how mysteriously she had caressed that last word. She must not have realized the inflection in her voice made the statement sound much more explicit than intended. Unless she meant for it to…? "Don't just stare at me, Joel." He shook his head, unaware of just how long he'd been eyeing her. His cheeks flushed immediately and he scooted some small distance away from her.

"Listen, this isn't the kind of conversation I'm comfortable with havin', so-"

"Joel, don't be a pussy about this. What's the big deal?"

"There's not. There is no big deal."

"Then tell me about it." Joel was silent for a moment, trying to think past his haze of fresh embarrassment to say something intelligible. His hand clung to the back of his neck again as he studied a suddenly interesting tree.

"Well, whenever we get back to Tommy's place, maybe we could find you a girl that could talk you through-"

"Ughh, Joel!" she whined insistently, "I can't wait that long! Neither of us have any idea how many days, weeks, or _months_ it's going to take to get me to the fireflies!"

"Ellie, I don't want-"

"Joel!"

"Geez, fine! Just gimme a damn minute, will ya?" His harshness seemed to quell her tenacity for the moment. He allowed an exasperated sigh to escape from his chest before his hands clasped under his chin.

"Kissing." He shied away from the word. "Whenever you.. find someone that you really care about.." His eyes flashed over for the tiniest of seconds to see Ellie watching him intently. He cleared his throat again. "You can… express that through kissing. It feels… good? I guess? Umm, I can't really explain it. It can be.. kinda different for everyone," he summed up quickly, hoping that could perhaps satisfy her for now.

"Oh," she answered. Only silence rose, and Joel took an internal breath of relief. He began to loosen his tense position before his element of calm was shattered once again. "So, why haven't we kissed?" The breath abandoned him suddenly, leaving him with the sensation of falling flat on his back. He sputtered.

"Well, because- Ellie, that's just not what what we- no. I- no."

"But why? I care about you a lot, and you mean more than the world to me. And I know you feel the same…" She scooted up close to him, letting their bodies press together softly. Joel immediately jumped up and his fingers drummed spastically against his upper thigh.

"Now, Ellie, I think you've got the wrong idea, here-"

"Don't you care about me?" Her eyes became large and afraid.

"What? Yes!" His arms gesture at her in a placating gesture. "Of course I do, you know that."

"Then why won't you kiss me?"

"It's for relationships, boyfriends, girlfriends… that type of thing!"

"Well, you're a boy and I'm girl and we're both friends in a relationship, so I don't see any difference!"

"That's not the way it works!" he exclaimed. Joel briefly managed to wonder how this girl continuously found new ways to exasperate him before she came at him again, faster than he could anticipate.

"Well why can't it?" He stared at her, mouth open, not knowing what to say. Ellie didn't grow up in a world of semi-set morals and understood discrepancies like Joel had. Was there any way to explain this to her? She never looked so small to him before, insisting on something like this. Her bright eyes still demanded with him, however. Joel swallowed before setting his face. He felt the authoritative side of him beginning to show its face. How else could he get through to her?

"Ellie- no."

"But Joel-"

"Ellie, I said no! We're not talking about this." Joel turned away, readjusting his pack before starting forward.

"You are such a pain in the ass! Where are you going!"

"Right back atcha, kiddo," he grunted with his back still to her, giving her no answer. She skipped up next to him, looking directly into his face- but he ignored her. His mouth was set in a firm line, his eyes focusing on something distant.

"I don't see why it's such a big deal! It's not like I asked you to sell your fucking soul or something!"

"There's a lot of things I'd be willing to do for you, but that's just not one of them," he growled.

"You're acting crazy! Nothing's wrong with just-"

"Yes, there is, damn it! There is definitely something wrong with it, and I'm not going there!"

"Tell me what's so wrong about it! I don't understand!" She stopped following him, but still called from behind him.

"Of course you don't understand, Ellie, how could you ever understand?" He stopped as well, some yards in front of her.

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Joel just shook his head, more angry heat rising up to color his cheeks.

"You know what, fuck this!" Ellie started forward and seized Joel's arm, whipping him around with a force that surprised him. "I fucking _hate_ it when you treat me like this! Just because I'm not as old as you are means that I can't understand a single fucking thing! Well, heads up, Joel, I had to grow up pretty fast if you didn't notice, and I would appreciate it if you would just treat me like I actually have the smarts to understand some shit! I'm _always_ straight up with you, and its about time you returned the favor."

"Ellie, I'm not going to kiss you."

"Well, why not!" A myriad of different explanations all crammed themselves into Joel's head at once; however, they only made sense to him because they were active before the world went to shit. This only served to anger Joel more, doubtful that the culture of his day would make it to her mind. Every explanation he had tried resulted in failure. Walking away proved to be useless sense she would only follow him. However, one method remained unused. His dignity was at stake, and he had no desire to lose it.

"I don't want you." His eyes are hard and final.

"You… what?" Her voice changed drastically.

"You heard me. I don't want you that way and I never will." A stunned silence filled the air from Ellie as she chewed on his cruel response.

"That's all you had to say," she finally whispered.

"Well, now I've said it," Joel murmured gruffly, trying to maintain his hard-ass composure. Ellie swallowed before looking away, her face twisting up despite her efforts to hide it. Her eyes squeezed shut and forced several tears to streak down her face. She shook her head.

"Fuck you," she squeaked pathetically before turning her back to him and trudging toward a small copse of trees some fifty yards away. Just those two words struck Joel deeply with a power he didn't expect. Ellie cussed at him often, but he could tell she really meant it this time. He watched her retreating figure with hard eyes until her form was lost in the darkness of the woods, out of his sight. A breath whooshed from his throat, and he sank down into a sitting position.

"What the hell did I just say?" he whispered to himself, chucking bitterly. Joel's hand went to rub his forehead, spreading around the sweat and dirt that had gathered on his face from days of travel.

Being an ass seemed to be the only way to deal with the problem… But he sure as hell regretted it now that it was out. A sense of loss gathered in his stomach and made its way up. Despite all the reasons why he felt he should say no to Ellie, they all melted away in comparison to complying with a simple request to make her happy.

He craved the security of her presence, realizing just how alone he was in the dark. But being alone meant _she_ was alone as well. He was stupid to let her roam away from him. Shame coupled with loss and he felt like a complete failure. Bringing his hand from his face, Joel stared up at the new night sky, only a small tint of pink left to hide behind the stars from the sunset. He sighed deeply before rising from his spot. Turning toward the copse of trees where he knew Ellie to be, he made his way carefully, determined not to leave her alone again.

**A/N: Review? I'm planning on only adding one more chapter, and I already have it written out, so review and let me know:) **


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